I needed a mother,
A guiding voice,
Amongst this darkness,
Where were you?
I needed a mother,
A guiding voice,
Amongst this darkness,
Where were you?
Mistakes of my youth,
Rattle inside my brain,
Ghosts that weigh me down,
Sink me deeper into despair.
I craved for empathy,
You gave me silence,
A void in which to grow.
An ocean sprang up in your wake,
To send me drowning in tears,
I wonder what you’d think,
Of the ruins you left behind,
If they haunt you in your afterlife,
Or are they my sins to bear?
I needed you,
Hell, I waited for you,
But you never showed,
Was it because I wasn’t enough?
I have so much I wish I could talk to you about,
So many stories to share and memories to make;
I wish I could tell you about my first day at work,
Or how I’ve been thinking of learning something new,
How I followed your advice and saw more of the world.
I’d even talk to you about the weather when I ran out of news to share.
Hear you chuckle and reminisce over days gone by,
Share a table outside on your bench, a cup of tea in hand,
We’d watch the world float by on clouds,
I’d give anything to hear you over the silence I’ve had since you left.
Sitting across from me,
Palms on the table,
Eyes blank and searching,
I wish you’d just say it,
Tell me you’re sorry,
Even if you’re not,
So we can try again.
I am an option,
One you’ll tire of,
When another of yours,
Posts a sexier photo than I.
Towards the end of last year, I learnt the valuable lesson in self-care by staying firm with my boundaries, even at the risk of conflict and saying goodbye to a few people in my life. This year seems to be a fight and a test of strength, but if it’s taught me anything, it’s that I can heal and celebrate my inner child.Read More »
Let sunshine fill my days,
May I bottle it, keep a jar,
For a rainy day that drowns me,
May the rays keep me warm,
Until I find the right path to be on.
The forgiveness and love I give,
So freely to others in abundance,
I deserve to give to myself too.
Honey, it’s okay,
You can ignore it,
It’s only my heart.
My voice is strangled,
Words cut off from the source,
I wish so much to tell you things,
But if I do, I wonder what you’ll think-
Of me by the end.
As soft as clay,
An unnamed victory.
I thought I could tell you everything,
Then I realised that by doing that,
I pushed myself further out to sea,
And now I’m drowning.
I collect our memories,
Polaroids and old tickets,
Moments I cherish,
Though not as much-
As my love for you.
I wonder where the spark goes,
Is it stored in jars for a rainy day,
Or crushed by the weight of reality,
Until all we feel is loss and regret?
It’s time to start flying,
You’re not safe here.
I used to stop by that place,
Memories of that night-
Haunting me like ghosts,
Only when they flattened it,
Did I know I could move from that spot.
I miss you in:
Every day, hour, minute,
The moment isn’t the same,
I know you should be with us,
But you were snatched away,
And all I can think is how I have-
All these stories that were never mine to tell.
If you have wanted a window into what a GP sees each day in their clinic, this book brings a fresh take into the weird and wonderful that doctors sit opposite every day.Read More »
Should I confuse raindrops on my window for stars,
May my wishes be patient and still,
Let them rest a moment with me,
Until I get my star to wish upon.
How do you start the new year off with a bang? By going on an adventure through the bright lights of the arcade, to a pit stop to enjoy some chocolates, and a throne fit for royalty.Read More »
Life, I am sure, is like a set of weight scales. A constant battle for the status quo, and what that means to a person. As you know, 2020 brought with it some challenges with a few chapters in my life drawing to a close; whilst this year has felt like a palette cleanser, with lots of changes in my life happening.Read More »
I forgot the other half of me,
The one who hurts and cries at night,
I wish I knew how to heal,
Is it just enough to still be breathing?
Are we a storm over an ocean?
Drifting further apart,
I just wish you would hold me again,
But I’m in this boat alone,
You’ve disappeared once more on the wind.
I don’t want to say goodbye,
It feels too soon,
We didn’t have enough time,
Why do you have to leave me?
You chose her,
Neither of us knew,
We just papered over the cracks,
Sinking deeper into an abyss,
I knew we could never survive that,
Not after you stopped holding my hand.
The feel of your kiss on my lips,
Your arms around my waist,
Those whispered conversations,
To daydream of those moments,
Makes counting down the days easier.
I could get lost in them,
Find new shores,
The promise of adventure,
A bliss I never knew.
I am happy,
That’s enough for me,
To sit and be,
With a smile,
Should I feel flattered?
That you snap at my heels,
Begging for scraps off my plate,
If you think I’m threatened,
How mistaken are you?
You are not my competition,
Just a simple obstacle to skirt,
Now watch and learn from me,
The etiquette you should have.
I wonder if this is my therapy,
Speaking to a blank page,
It was always easier than-
Reading the disappointment on your face.
I am not your mouthpiece,
For your ideas to spout from,
There is no label or idea-
That can compel me to side with you,
Stop trying to make me your puppet.
Time is a thief,
It stole you from me,
Leaving me with memories,
That I wish to relive,
So I could hear your voice again.
The way you hold my hand,
I’ll never forget your smile,
Or your laugh that dances with mine,
How we talk late into the night,
When I’m wrapped in your arms,
That’s when I knew you stole it,
Heart, body and soul,
I took a breath,
Had a break,
Let it all sink in,
Now it’s time I get up,
Fight another day,
Be the warrior,
I was always meant to be.
Do I need to repeat myself?
You cannot take what isn’t yours,
Stepping on people’s toes,
It’s never a good look,
So if you want what I have,
Look elsewhere, this dream is taken.
Have you ever met someone at the wrong time?
The deal that is too good to be true,
That’s how I feel about you and I.
We are never meant to be.
I imagine all the conversations we’d have,
These silly in-jokes and laughing over nothing,
Then I realise we’ll never have that,
You don’t see me in that way,
I’m just someone to pass the time with.
Why won’t you fight for me?
As I once did for you,
I see that look on your face,
You’ve given up on us,
So, do you really expect me to watch?
I don’t think so.
There is a storm inside me,
I let it rage inside,
Feel the thunder build,
Lightening on my tongue,
Dare to cross me-
And you will learn dear,
That I will leave you in ruins.
I used to wait for your call,
Waiting to see if things changed,
They never did, we are oceans apart,
In distance and personality,
Only now has the penny dropped,
That I have to let you go all over again.
I knew the edge I flirted with,
But I never expected you-
To fall along with me,
Side by side,
Into disaster, a shipwreck,
Waiting to happen.
Think of my love,
Like a sunflower,
A kiss of summer,
That lasts forever,
I adore you, darling.
Why would you lie to my face?
I know what happened,
Still you choose to pretend,
Do I mean so little?
I can’t believe you,
To cross the boundary,
Do you even know where the line is?
Or are you determined to fuck me over?
I am tired of trying,
Waiting in the middle,
For you to meet me there,
When you’re too busy,
With someone else,
Giving them the same lies,
That you told me.
You make me feel like a burden,
Wire my mouth shut so I can’t speak,
So you don’t have to hear my pain,
You want me to be the strong one,
To carry the mistakes for the both of us.
I thought you understood,
We were on the same page,
Or were all the words I said-
Devoid of all meaning to you?
It’s almost funny really,
You say you love me,
And yet you still continue to hurt me.
If the last thing I can do for you,
To make you happy once more,
Is to fall on the sword and take the hit,
Then I shall pass peacefully seeing you smile.
The weight fell on my shoulders,
I carried with me all those tears,
That were never mine to hold,
Spoke with a voice much too old,
For my milk bottle bones,
A daughter protecting a mother.
Fuck apologising to you,
You are not my priority,
You never were, I was;
And I deserve better,
Than making you feel better,
By being your fall guy.